*I do not own nor did I create the images associated with this post*
I should make a new category for “talking through some emotions as well as praise some quality people whose voice of reason (or be it paranoia) have provided me some relief to that same frustration”. You may have read my previous post (available here) about some hardship I am going through. While I still feel that optimism for the future, the present is stagnant.
I have been realizing more and more over the past weeks how you could believe in someone so completely and think the world of them, feeling you know them better than anyone and then find that have them mixed up like night and day! Along with that come those moments when you realize you did know them all along, incredibly well in fact with their whole thought process, but you just didn’t know how they truly felt for you. You may have thought they loved you, but in all reality it was that they loved themselves enough to see the opportunities you could afford them – while it kept their restless eye. While it served their interests. Having as much sentimental value as the fuel in their gas tank. Sure it gets them where they want to go, but it could’ve been from any station – its not special. I know that’s depressing to think about, I’m not proud or happy to feel like that fuel, but sometimes people surprise you…and sometimes they don’t.
Alas, I have been fortunate to have so many reassuring voices of people who care for me through all of this. People saying ‘don’t build an apartment for her’, or ‘if you know where they’ll be, hire a private investigator – just in case’, or even the more innocent ‘you can’t be friends until the dust has settled, otherwise, if there is malicious intent, you are being played that much longer.’ It’s the hard truths, the tough love, and those people who have been burned by supposed-lovers that know where it goes from here – I suppose we all hope for the best. To all those sharing their experience with me, while I am so sorry you had to go through this loss as well, I appreciate your guidance to keep me in a position and mindset to cut my losses and move on.
I’m still optimistic things will go smoothly, I have no intention of escalating anything in a legal battle, especially when we’re 5 minutes away from being done with all of this. But like any successful or failing relationship, I am only half of it. And thanks to a few great people, I am ready to defend myself if it is taken that way. Like most I just want it to be over, but again, I’m only half.
What’s funny (or tragic) is that while I have some wonderful, positive people saying ‘stay positive, but don’t be taken advantage of’, on the other side of this coin; I know there are other people coaching her to ‘make it difficult’ and ‘take what you can baby’. I remember all the graduations, birthdays, holiday setups/cleanups, funerals, wakes, weddings, random drives, carpool karaokes with these people I looked forward to seeing and did nothing but care for and love yet – they are wishing the worst for me… It’s like a followup heartbreak. My fault on both counts. Truly loving someone who didn’t (truly) love me back, and loving the family that never really let me in. I was fortunate to have some closure with most of them around Christmas, missed the favorite of course. Again though, I guess all I could do is wish them the best and not linger any longer than I have to; that’s what the voice in my heart tells me.
Thank you. Every single one of you who is picking me up when I am feeling that ache in my chest. Who talk me up, take me out, push me forward and make sure I’m not dwelling on those who didn’t think twice about me. You are heroes. You are angels. And I love you.
I am grateful for it all still. For the experiences, the friendships, the guidance, and the love – even if it was just the love that I learned to feel for her. I hope to take the most precious of those memories and fill my life with more that are even greater. I will be the man I want to be. With a love that is true and enduring and – constellation worthy.
How adorable is that picture!? =)